The Middle

#8: Finding Grown-up Comfort in My Angsty Teen Music

Two weeks ago, I had a “pile on day”--a day when I was keenly aware of how many straws were piling onto the camel's back and how close it was to breaking. It started with a few of the routine disappointments of modern adulthood–a house that seemed promising required a gut job (again), money I wanted to save had to be spent (again), despite flossing religiously, I needed a filling (again). Throughout the day, each papercut-sized disappointment stacked on top of the last. I felt like the meme of the dog having coffee in a burning house. Things weren’t okay but I could say, “this is fine.”

Then a big disappointment came. So far this year, I have applied to six writing opportunities, fellowships, and retreats. Smack dab in the middle of my pile-on day, I got my fifth rejection. The camel’s back buckled under the weight. I began to question all of the work I’ve been putting into my goal of being a writer. The waking up early, staying up late, money on classes and entry fees, innumerable hours and generous favors from my proofreading friends–all felt at risk of not being worth it. I couldn’t help but question if I would ever be enough.

When I get these kinds of big feelings, I often return to the first place that ever offered my unruly emotions a home: early 2000s punk rock. I opened Spotify and made a beeline to my playlist called, “Middle School.”

The title is only a slight misnomer; some of the songs are from high school. Still, it has all the greats from My Chemical Romance to Blink 182 to Fall Out Boy. I hit up this playlist for a pick-me-up on a bad day or a burst of energy on a run or when I’m simply feeling nostalgic. In the midst of my personal disappointment parade, I headed straight for the song I knew I needed most: “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World.

Screen grab of music video for Jimmy Eat World’s “The Middle”

I can’t imagine getting through my middle and high school years without this song. A few years ago, Audrey Assad covered it–softening the instrumentation and pulling the lyrics to the fore. Stripped to its bones, “The Middle” reads like an encouraging note from a loved one. Hearing a woman sing it helped me hear each line as advice and encouragement from my late mother. These were the words she would say to me if she could: 

“Hey, don't write yourself off yet. It's only in your head, you feel left out or looked down on. Just try your best. Try everything you can and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away…Hey, you know they're all the same. You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in. Live right now. Just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else. It just takes some time. Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything'll be just fine. Everything, everything'll be alright.”

There are times, big and small, where we are tempted to feel like it’s the end–that we’ve tried all there is to try and just can’t seem to win. But, more often than not, those times are not the end–they’re the middle. 

The Middle means you’re in it. You aren’t at the starting line getting ready to try and you aren’t at the finish line celebrating what you have accomplished. You’re doing the hard work of pursuing what you want. You’re in the thick of it and, in the face of fear and rejection, you are pressing on. 

I’ve been in the middle for a while now. After a few years of rejections, I have been tempted to give up hope. But being in the middle means I’m still in it. It means I’m still trying and fighting and I still believe enough in myself and my craft to keep doing the work. Heck, even the feeling of disappointment is proof that I haven’t given up hope. 

If you’re having a tough day or week or year where you have tried what feels like a thousand times, take heart. Being in the middle means that you believe in yourself and you believe that your pursuit is worth it. Uncomfortable and frustrating as it may be, the middle is better than giving up. 

“Little girl, you are in the middle of the ride. Everything, everything will be just fine. Everything, everything will be alright.”

---

Update

I wrote this before getting the incredible news that I have been accepted into the Voices of Our Nation (VONA) Summer 2023 Workshop! I’m going to Miami in June to learn from great writers like Damon Young and workshop my book with a bunch of brilliant writers. Y’all, this was application #6! In the words of the great Cardi B, “Look myself in the mirror, I say we gon' win/ Knock me down nine times but I get up ten.”

Shoutout to Mita, Devin and Sarita for being my proofread and cheer team, to Franchesca and Cassidy for design and social media and to Corinne for editing this essay. I couldn’t have done this without the support and love of a whole team of people that believe in me. It will always take a village.

Resources for the week

• Here’s a completely unhinged playlist of songs I listen to when I’m in the middle. It includes the Jimmy Eat World and Audrey Assad versions of “The Middle” as well as songs from wildly different genres. I made it collaborative so you can add your own!

• Here’s a link to my Middle School playlist. You’re welcome.

Finding the Laughs

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